I just finished reading The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt. Regardless of the mixed reviews of the Pulitzer Prize winner, I loved it. The last 10 pages got me thinking about thinking. One phrase in particular gave birth to this blog: “… just as the stars are beautiful because of the space between them.”
The ‘not star’ makes the star: • Yin/Yang • Open/Closed • Black/White • Harmony/Discord • Up/Down • Forward/Backward • Sorrow/Joy • Young/Old
We define “not that” in order to define “that.” We say what we don’t want in order to be able to say what we do want. It’s often the contrast that helps us choose which path to take, what opportunity to accept or decline and who to be with. Without a “not that”, we may not know the “yes, that!”
Contrast, by its very nature, can’t exist by itself – it needs something to be opposed to, distinct from. This brings me to the contrast between positive and negative thinking, and the power of having the capacity to think both.
Three Camps: + … – … + & –
In one camp, there’s the power of positive thinking (thank you, Norman Vincent Peale). In this camp, you see yourself delivering the perfect presentation, crushing the job interview (crushing is a good thing), and winning the lottery, twice in one month. In this camp, you avoid thinking about what could go wrong and push thoughts about failing out of your mind. (Hands on ears + La-la-la-la)
In the power of negative thinking camp (thank you, my self doubting), you mainly focus on the downside of a situation and what not just could go wrong, but what will most certainly go wrong.
The negative of positive thinking as discovered by Gabriele Oettingen’s psychology lab at New York University has shown that visualizing our aims as already achieved can backfire. The positive imagery can be inspiring at first, but it also tricks the mind into relaxing, as if the hard work is done. This means the more compelling the mental scene of success, the more likely it is that your energy will seep away. In follow-up studies, Oettingen found that people who only fantasized about happy outcomes and smoothly attaining wishes were hindered from realizing their dreams. (Thank you to the just-show-up and get your trophy crowd!)
Combo-Camp
I’m in the third camp — the Both/And camp, as contrasted to the Either/Or camp.
Denying ourselves the opportunity to think about what could go wrong with our plans reduces our ability to build the skills needed to recover from adversities and setbacks. Anticipating what could go wrong allows us to take proactive steps to reduce the impact if/when the yogurt hits the fan. Consider this: We often learn and progress the most when we fail at achieving a goal.
Denying ourselves the opportunity to think about what amazing outcomes we could obtain beyond the status quo reduces our ability to build the skills to innovate. Dreaming allows us to return a man from the moon and eliminate polio.
Having an Either/Or perspective shuts out half of the feedback being offered by our environment, both external and internal. Adopting a Both/And perspective gives us the best of both worlds.
To see a star, we need the “not star”. To be our best self, our best shining star, we need to embrace and learn from both our star and “not star” moments. We need to be able to think — and talk about — both our positive and negative thoughts and use both energy sources to realize the results and the relationships we desire.
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Camille Smith specializes in helping leaders and teams achieve goals that matter by creating relationships that work. www.wipcoaching.com ~ 831-685-1480